What's the Cost of Freedom? $9.00

Not all children are terrible children.

Only children that aren't white.

No, that's not true, but it's not far from the truth. There are plenty of terribly misbehaved white children in the world. The white people call them: "Step Children".

There is one key element to being a good parent.

Keep your children within reach.

We live in a society where why actually get up and catch your children when in fact you can use a commercially sold tool to reel them in. I'm sure you've heard of this, and possibly even said,

"Oh my..."

"How cruel!"

"They do make those!"

or "My neighbor's step son could really use one of those."

Nevertheless, these do exist and if you have an over-active child or you know someone who does, you may need to invest in this tool.

Commonly retailing, for a good quality product, at around $9.00, you can get a 40" leash.

The leashes come in a variety of colors from Dog Print to Rainbow.

(Nothing says same-sex union like an Asian baby on rainbow-colored leash.)

These leashes often connect to a harness of some kind which wraps around the child's body, or in some cases simply latches on to an arm.

Pedophiles beware! These make things so much more difficult on a day of good baby-stealing. However I'm fully aware that the lower end arm straps can easily be snapped, especially when the dead-beat parent is ordering a latte or picking up their monthly assistance check.

Babies don't retail for much, it's a bargaining measure to get more money. Chances are the person who has a baby leash doesn't have much to give. The reason they've put their child on a leash in the first place is because they lack responsibility. Even furthermore, the chances increase in low reward money if the person had this baby through a popular technique these days, "on accident". Chances are, if you try and sell a baby, you won't get even nearly as much money as you would for the leash it was on.

Children aren't inherently terrible, they're taught how to be terrible.

If a parent (I use this term loosely, simply defined as one who is responsible for the existence of another human) is not able to maintain a job to support themselves, chances are they wouldn't be able to support another human being, even if it is of a lesser education.

Now, to stop defending the children, some of them are quite beastly.

Take a child out to a public venue: town square, supermarket, library, or amusement park.

If your child holds your hand when going anywhere, you win.
If your child doesn't stray far from you and continually stays near your side, you win.
If your child runs in front of people and swings his/her/its arms around in circles, I hate you.

Next time you see a person who has a child on a leash, they probably need it.

These people have already failed by deciding to pro-create. Their best option from here is to harness their children so that they can't be lost, causing them even more trouble and potentially delaying them from getting home to watch court tv all day. (Gotta have my Judge Joe Brown)

Again, some of this may be over-generalization, but chances are, I'm dead-on.

Before you think about spending even $12.00 on that new Lil' Wayne CD, you may want to invest in a Child Leash by Leachco and chances are if you are even interest in, or even know who Lil' Wayne is, you probably shouldn't have a child in the first place.

The point I'm trying to get across here is that you really can't reduce the act of parenting down to something you buy in a store. It's so much deeper and important than to risk it in something as cheesy and insensitive as a human leash. You use leashes on dogs because they aren't intended to become fully-functioning members of society and it is completely acceptable for them to relieve themselves in public places, your children do not get this privilege. If you would like your children to do this, please, get a leash, you are the consumer market it was designed for.

You should take all responsibility if, one day, your child is kneed in the head because it was running around incoherently screaming and someone accidentally walked into them. It surely deserved it.

Keep your child close, and don't be an idiot.

And think of it this way, if no one ever tries to steal your child, you're probably a terrible parent.

That's all for now. More to come in this world you love to hate.

Until next time:

Don't trust anyone who doesn't speak English.

Your Friend,

FW